Crash Site

I've had this one percolating in my brain for the last few days.  See, that's the thing with the way I deal with grief.  Even though I don't need triggers to take me back to when Caitlin was killed or when Diane died, they still exist and they still take me right back to those events.  And I work through whatever I need to work through in my brain to get some equilibrium back.

This particular trigger came a few days back when this news broke, at least locally, since I never saw it mentioned on TV or in the Chicago papers.  And I thought about doing something with it yesterday, but I didn't want it to get lost in the crush of "it's New Year's Eve so don't drink and drive" posts.  And believe me, I don't mean to denigrate those posts, I think every single one of them helps.  Or at least they don't hurt.

And before you start with the "OMG he's a cop, he should know better" just stop yourself.  Instead, tell me who DOESN'T know better?  I mean yeah, I get it, but c'mon.  Look at who gets DUI's let alone who kills someone driving drunk?  Athletes, actors, politicians, blue-collar types, captains of industry, young, old, black, white, men, women, you name the demographic and it's full of people that have done it.  So spare me the faux outrage because, in this case, it was a cop.

Instead, let's see some real outrage that it happened period.

Due to this latest event, I've spent a lot of time thinking, not only about my own family, but also the family of the 29 year-old woman that was killed.

Happy freakin Holiday.

They're going to be dealing with these memories for the rest of their lives.  Every December, when most of us merrily turn our thoughts to whatever family tradition we may celebrate, they'll be mourning.

So do this.  Pick some family member at random (as opposed to some random family member) and picture your most recent family gathering without them.

And picture every future family gathering without them.

And think about how, because of some completely preventable act by some person, with no sense of anything beyond their own self-importance, took them from you.

And think about how you would cope with that absence.

Because I guarantee you, it's what we do in one manner or another.  Try celebrating the first birthday of a granddaughter that will never know two amazing women.  Or maybe celebrating the wedding day of one of your daughters besties, knowing full well she would have been a part of the day if only...

I could go on and on but you get the picture.  I hope.

So, today, I did something I haven't done in a long time.  Frankly I don't remember the last time I went to the crash site, but I needed to do it today.

I just felt like taking Caitlin some flowers was the right thing to do to get through the burden I've been feeling the last few days.  And when I walked in to the local Jewels the pink bouquet you see kind of jumped out at me.

I'll always remember the first time we went there, even though I'm not certain of the date.  Since we never left the hospital after the crash, until the transplant team came to "harvest her organs" a truly tasteless albeit accurate phrase btw, I'm pretty sure it was four or five days after the crash.  We met Diane's middle brother and a family friend who also happened to be an Elgin cop.  We combed the ditch, picking through the crash debris, looking for Caitlin's class ring.  It wasn't at the hospital but we knew she had it with her.  I remember Tom explaining the crash reconstruction to us by the markings on the roadway.  And I remember when we finally found the ring.  At the Kane County Sheriff's impound lot, where both vehicles were taken to be held as evidence until after the trial.  Two friends of mine from the fire department I started out with brought some extrication tools with in case we needed to open up Caitlin's little Pontiac Sunfire to find the ring.  As it turned out, we didn't need to tear the car apart, the ring was on the floor on the passenger side in, almost, plain view.  Or at least reachable from outside the door.  That ring brought great comfort to Diane, like a tangible piece of Caitlin was back with her.

Those are just some of the memories that have come flooding back to me since I read the article I linked to up top.  I'm choosing to leave it at that because, even though I'm writing this from home today, I'm making the conscious decision not to turn myself in to a blubbering mass right now.  I was teetering on the brink the last few days, but I feel better just having put this much out here.

Sometimes that's all it takes.

Sometimes it takes more.

Peace