Thankful? More than I can say

So, I just finished reading an article on Salon.com - "All The Things That Remind Me Of Her" by a fellow named Matt Zoller Seitz. If I was a little more computer savvy, I'd put a link to it here... but do yourself a favor and look it up. His wife died suddenly in April 2006 from a heart attack (sound familiar?) and he wrote an incredibly moving article about their life together and his life since she died. It seemed to me I'd heard of him before, but I have no clue how, why or where that would have happened so...

He spoke of the things that drew them together, the things that allowed their love to grow and flourish and of the things he couldn't bear to face after the love of his life was taken from him by a congenital heart defect that went undiscovered for 35 years. He spoke, eloquently, of how triggers affect a grieving soul -

"A song, a poem, a scene from a film triggers memories. You're startled, moved, shaken. And you're faced with two options: 1) engage with the work and the memories it calls up, or 2) retreat, postpone, avoid."

And what power these triggers have over our lives as we learn to live with our new normal.

There was so much in his article that I could relate to. As could anyone living with the loss of someone close to them. Parent, sibling, child, spouse, partner. The relationship doesn't necessarily equate to the sense of loss and/or grief. Nor should it. You grieve as you grieve. And you mourn as you mourn. As long as it isn't self-destructive, it's OK with me.

There were some similarities between his story and mine. But there was one glaring difference. So far, in his life Matt has found one love. Amazing, no doubt, but one.

I've been blessed with two.

I loved the Blond Child's Mother as I've said many times, here and in RL. Was our relationship perfect? Hardly.

Were there things I wish had been done differently? Without question, yes.

But did we love each other? Yes we did. Very much. Through the lows we experienced in our lives together we also experienced many highs. And all served to cement our lives together into a strong bond.

And while at some point I'd hoped I might be able to meet someone else to share the rest of my time with, I had no expectations to do so. I surely never felt I was entitled to anything like that.

And then, I met The Pirate. And, I came to understand how it was possible to have more than one great love in your life. And I came to understand what it's like to be in a relationship with my best friend. And once again, I remind myself of how many things I have that make me, truly, Thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends.

Wow. Just, wow

Don't get me wrong, my ego is every bit as healthy as the next guys, often times more so and occasionally bigger than it should be. But I REALLY don't like talking about myself. It makes me uncomfortable. I think, as much as anything it makes me feel like I'm arrogant and I really hate arrogant people. Self-confident? Good for you. To be perfectly honest I'm not usually the most self-confident person. And I think, because of that, I just don't like talking about myself.

But I'm pretty proud of something that happened yesterday and I thought "well, why not blog about it?" So. Here goes...

I'm active in an organization, Alliance Against Intoxicated Motorists (AAIM) and have been for quite sometime. Granted, at first my only involvement was helping the Blond Child's Mother with our fundraiser and things of that nature, but after she died in 2006, I became more actively involved to try and carry on what she was trying to do. AAIM was a huge help to us as we went to court in the aftermath of BC's crash and it was important to us (me) that we do whatever we could to help them. So I was asked to speak at Victim Impact Panels (VIP's) and I said "yes". And I was asked to sit on the Board of Directors and I said "yes". And over the last 4 years, whenever I've gotten the frantic, one-of-my-speakers-cancelled-at-the-last-minute phone calls asking if I could fill-in I've almost always said "yes". And I've never regretted it. Any of it.

And I don't mean any of that in a "hey look at how wonderful I am" kind of way, I mean that matter-of-factly. It's just how it is. Like I said, this stuff is important to me. It's important to me to try and do what I can to change behaviors. The people I speak to at VIP's are DUI offenders, sentenced to attend by the courts. And what they did was wrong. And they need to understand the consequences of their actions. And, by telling the story of the BC and her Mom, I try to affect that change. Before the offenders do it again and kill some innocent person.

And by the way, when someone says "if you change one person, it's worth it" I say Bullshit. If I change one person's behavior, I've wasted everyone's time. I want to change the behavior of EVERYBODY in the room.

So, let's move on to yesterday. AAIM's annual benefit luncheon was held yesterday. And it was lovely, as always. This was the 8th benefit I've attended and the folks that organize it really do a nice job with it. Raffles, silent auction, live auction, a nice meal and award presentations. Awards for Assistant State's Attorneys that have gone above and beyond prosecuting drunk drivers, an award for Victim Witness Advocates (named in honor of the Blond Child's Mother) that provide such an amazing service to victims of violent crimes, including DUI crashes and to the victim families, families that are often in such a grief induced haze, that they can't really comprehend the complexity of the court actions and rely on these amazing men and women to guide them through the court system. And an award, named in honor of Sheila Forsner, hit, along with her family, by a drunk driver in 1989. Sheila's infant son Alex was killed instantly and she was left a quadriplegic due to a traumatic brain injury. For the five post-crash years Sheila survived, she worked tirelessly for AAIM as a volunteer speaking to anyone and everyone she could, offenders, judges, high school students among others, trying to affect change. She died as a result of her injuries in February 1994. The award

http://www.aaim1.org/awards_forsner.asp

is presented annually "For Outstanding Volunteer Service".

This year, it was presented to me.

I had no clue. Not. One. Clue. As I sat at the table with my family (a family full of evil people, btw) listening to the presenter describe this years winner and thinking "Huh? Me?" and sealing the deal when I saw one of the administrative assistants looking at me and smiling. So as I stood at the podium, emotions welling up inside of me, I knew I had to be a smart-aleck cause I was on the verge of losing it, my first words were "I'd just like to say to my family at table 21 'you suck'" because they hid the books from me. The books that list, among other things the winners of the awards being presented this year. They hid them, of course, to maintain the surprise, but at the time I didn't know that. At the time I couldn't figure out why ALL the books on our table had disappeared. Couldn't understand why TBGFE! wouldn't answer me when I asked where they went. Couldn't understand why the Oldest Child (who got thrown under the bus by TBGFE!) couldn't produce one when asked. I'm afraid I wasn't as gracious as I should have been. I should send a note to Sheila's family to Thank them. Because it would crush me to find out I was insensitive to them. But I had to resort to my default smart-assedness to maintain some sense of composure.

I've pretty much rambled on longer than I should have. I'm cutting this off here, but let me just say, for the record, I've never been more proud of or more humbled by anything in my entire life. And to those that thought enough of what I've tried to do to decide I was somehow worthy of this award, from the bottom of my heart, Thank You.

we have seen the enemy... and he is us!!!

Sometimes all you can do is shake your head. Not too long ago, three weeks? Four weeks? people in my profession were up in arms over statements made by a committee member in a community close by where I work. Among other things, this person referred to us as "street people" and intimated that he thought if some medical emergency befell him, the very people sworn to protect him would stand idly by and let him suffer rather than help him. Personally, I found that thought to be more outrageous than any of his other inane comments. I mean, really? "Street people"??? C'mon!!!

And then I read about Spalding County in Georgia. And their Fire Department. And the asshat that decided to use the video camera feature on his cellphone to record video and audio on the scene of a fatal crash. And then, unbelievably, sent it to friends as a text message. It may not have gone viral, but it went far enough to get to the parents of the young woman killed in the crash.

Now, let's pause for a moment right here. I have, in fact, taken pictures at emergency scenes before. Many times over the years. At one time all of our ambulances were equipped with a Polaroid camera for the express purpose of taking pictures on the scene of car crashes. We would take the pictures and bring them in to the Emergency Department with our patients to try to show the trauma doctors the mechanism of the crash and assist them in determining potential injuries. We took the pictures and brought them with us and left them at the hospital.

I just used my cellphone to take pictures of a car crash last month. One that involved a 3 year-old patient with an impact on the door next to his car-seat. And I showed them to the doc from my cellphone. And I deleted them. While I was at the hospital. Within minutes of the doctor looking at them. And I didn't forward them to anybody else.

I've used my phone to take pictures of a house fire. While we were sitting in "staging" waiting for an assignment. And I took more after we were released. I've still got these pictures... it never occurred to me that anyone could misconstrue what the purpose of the photos was. I did show those photos to one of the guys that was there with me, and I emailed them to him. I also showed them to TBGFE! and explained to her what they were and what happened. And again, it NEVER occurred to me that it could be a problem.

I think I'd better delete them. Because now, I get it. After hearing about Spalding County. And after giving it thought from both perspectives, as a first responder as well as an aggrieved parent, I just don't want to take the chance that I'll be seen as some clueless dolt who's too busy snapping pictures to do the job I've sworn to do. The job that has caused me to miss numerous family holidays, birthdays, weddings, Little League games, football and basketball games, etc.

You name it, this job has caused me to miss it. But don't get me wrong, I've never regretted what I do, not for a minute.

I LOVE MY JOB.

And it pisses me off to no end that some people can't stop long enough to ask themselves "how would I feel?" about what they're about to do. And then NOT do whatever stupid thing they considered. It's not that hard folks. It's what we call - common courtesy - and it's apparently in short supply lately.

Sigh

It's all about adjusting, right?

I mean, really, if you think about it, that's what life is all about. The adjustments we must make and how well we do (or don't) make them.

I adapted to a life-altering change in May 2003 and again in August 2006. For what it's worth, I think I adjusted reasonably well to both. Both were rather sudden changes and the adjustments were both instant and gradual but, to date, have gone pretty ok for me.

I had another life-altering change take place last year, I just didn't know it at the time. I had no way of knowing how meeting the pirate was going to change my life at that time. Don't get me wrong, this one has been ALL positive, but it was life-changing none-the-less.

And now, another change. This one shouldn't be as drastic as the others, God I hope it isn't, LOL... The pirate goes back to sea today. Sure just for a couple of days to start (there's much involved in piracy) but there will be refreshers taking place for much of the remainder of the month. And THAT, my friends, is the big change. We've hung out together, almost at will, for the last 14 ish months. You kind of get used to being around someone after that long, you know?

So, now I need to get into some routines. The old "negative into a positive" thing. As soon as I walk away from this thing today, I'm heading to the local health club *shudders* and climb on the treadmill for awhile. I figure I'll be spending more regular time there for starters. Also, I'm planning on devoting more time here, @Yelp (I'm sitting on 3 reviews) and on other "side projects" that I've pushed aside the last few weeks. I was a wee bit motivated by something a friend said yesterday, a friend that knows nothing of side projects, and so I need to get back to that. As well as home-type projects *yuk* that I've pushed aside for, oh, I don't know, FOREVER.

I'm treating a dancing girl to dinner tonight. Probably tomorrow night too. Hmmm, I need a non RL name for her. Maybe Dr. McDancington? Not sure, that's kinda cumbersome... Oh well, I'll keep working on that one.

Lastly, let me just shout out to the interwebz a Very Happy 1st Birthday to one of the favorite little peoples of one of my favorite big peoples! Happy 1st to the Little Flower and I hope your little flowers give up some amazing smells! Much to love to you and yours LF! xoxoxo from the pirate and I!!!

Really Constantine? Really?

Ok, this is WAY off the beaten track of where this humble, little blog is intended. But, I really feel the need to vent about this and since this is my forum, I figure I'm entitled, no? Plus the whole anonymous aspect is appealing to me, since I don't want to take a chance that something snarky could be pulled and used for the forces of evil which, in this case, looks a lot like this guy...

He lives in an exclusive, GATED community for Crissakes! He seems to favor publicity regarding how "his" money is spent (a quick Google search was hugely informative) and has been in the news as recently as last year making an 11 year-old girl cry at a public meeting regarding the termination (due to "budget cuts") of several local librarians. Yes, you read that right, an 11 year-old girl.

Now, good old Constantine has apparently tired of picking on 11 year-old girls and has moved on to adults. Quite an evolutionary leap on his part. His most recent rant involves picking on firefighters in his village. At a recent meeting of the Citizens Financial Advisory Committee, "Connie" (pictured below)

was heard commenting about the budget "woes" affecting his impoverished little town, a town that doesn't collect property taxes from it's residents due to the revenue generated by a shopping mall. Our plucky, little, hero suggested firing one firefighter per month until the 28 members of the local FD would give in to contract concessions. He advocated destroying marriages, leaving children homeless and killing the family dog... No, I'm serious. He actually said all these things and more in an interview with the local ABC news affiliate, found here -

http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=news/local&id=7692654

So, what else does he think about firefighters? He thinks of us (yeah, I'm one) as "street people" and that we only understand "civilized force". He believes that, should he personally suffer a medical emergency (heart attack, stroke, etc.) he would now receive no care from the men and women from his local Fire Department.

No word on what he thinks of fava beans and chianti...

My initial reaction to all this? Outrage. Like that of many co-workers, brother and sister firefighters all across the Midwest. Also like the spouses, friends and family members of firefighters. And, many other people that have no affiliation what-so-ever to firefighters, other than to recognize that we do a job that, on occasion, kills or severely injures one of us. Like, for example, Deputy Chief Mark Johnson of the Hinsdale Fire Department. The Chief died recently, a LODD (line of duty death) while working out in the exercise room of his firehouse. My second favorite human-being on the planet found this death to be funny, as evidenced by the giggles heard on an audio recording of the above mentioned meeting. So, yeah, I was outraged. But I soon realized this this asshat was assaulting my professionalism and that of every brother and sister firefighter everywhere. So when I saw the letter sent by the President of the A.F.F.I. (Associated Fire Fighters of Illinois) to the Village President of Oakbrook, Illinois -

http://www.affi-iaff.org/9-27-10_letter_to_John_Craig.pdf

I felt better about the way things would be handled. Don't get me wrong, if this letter falls on deaf ears and my union asks me to sit in on a meeting or two to make my voice heard in a respectful, professional manner (or a loud, boisterous one for that matter) I'll happily oblige. But I believe OUR professionalism will be shown to everyone, as his already has.

I wonder what he's doing for the holidays...

Sleep? Well, yeah. But...

I'm going to try and write this from work. Good thing I don't get paid for this, lol...

So went to bed late (for me. at work.) at around 11 PM. Up at midnight for a call.
Up at 1, just because.
Up at 2, same reason.
Up at 3, God knows why.
Up at 4, for a call. I'm up for keeps now. Coffee brewed, got my first cup by my side and half gone already. A mere 2.5 hours and I can head home. But in the mean-time, I'm pounding away here and listening to sports talk radio. I don't really know why either, cause this time of night seems to bring out more than it's fair share of knuckleheads. But I digress...

I don't really know why I don't sleep well, I really don't. I think loss has a lot to do with it, I used to think it had EVERY thing to do with it. But as I've stopped and looked back over my sleep patterns over the years, I'm not convinced. I think it has contributed, but it isn't the only reason.

The Blond Child's Mother couldn't sleep after the crash. Guilt prevented that. She felt guilt over being asleep instead of waiting up for her to come home. She felt guilt over not going shopping with her that night. And, knowing the crash occurred at 10 PM impeded her sleep. I got all that, it made sense to me.

And for the longest time after the Blond Child's Mother died, I had trouble sleeping.

Had trouble falling asleep.

Had trouble staying asleep.

Would get out of bed at 3, 4 or 5 AM and go downstairs to make coffee and watch tv cause I was tired of laying in bed, wide awake.

I figured that this was just the way it was. And I needed to get used to it.

But, after a few years, I started to think about it. And actually, I started to realize, that my crappy sleep patterns started before any of that stuff.

And I can't really pin it on anything.

I wish I could. Then, I could fix it. Well, maybe.

Loss? maybe a little. Old age? sure, why not. Too much food/drink too late at night? ok. You get the idea? I've got a smorgasbord of reasons from which to choose. And I think they've all got a little to do with it. But I don't know how to fix it.

So instead, I sit here drinking coffee (nectar of the gods), counting down the minutes (122) til I can go home.

Maybe I can sneak in a nap...

So, I've got that going for me...

Yikes.

In less than 3 weeks, it'll be a year since I've posted to this (or any other) blog.

Hmmmmm.

I'm not really sure what to make of that. It was often difficult to write here, as I mentioned then. So that may have been part of it. It was a new experience, a new "behavior" if you will, so maybe that was it. My life, as everyones' does, was evolving, so there's that.

I don't know that I have the answer. In all honesty, I even forgot HOW to find this little blog for a bit. Don't think THAT didn't make me feel stupid. Messed with my head pretty good.

As have a few things.

Here's an example...

Last year, towards the end of August, I met "someone". Let's call her ˆThe Pirateˆ. And as our relationship has grown over the last year, I came to realize she was, without question, my best friend.

I loved the Blond Child's Mother. With all my heart. Truly. But, and here's the thing that messed with my head, I never felt she and I were best friends. In fact, I do remember thinking it was a good thing we didn't work together, cause I thought that would've been a recipe for disaster.

Not so with The Pirate. I mean, we don't work together. Not even the same industry. Not even close. But we could. And be successful at it. I mean relationshipily... I won't presume to say we'd be a success at whatever we chose to do, but, well, you get what I mean.

So yeah, that kind of threw me off my literary game. Maybe because I didn't have much game to begin with. I don't know.

But I'm thinking I'm going to stick with this a little bit longer this time. I do enjoy it. And I've started up again with another little project, so, maybe between the two I can build a little momentum and see what happens.

And besides, The Pirate is gearing up to go back to sea and that should leave me with some idle time and Lord knows I've gotta find something to do instead of taking care of things around the house.

We'll see...