Clarity

Can I just say, for the record, that when you people (yes, I said "you people") post comments to one of my posts, it warms the cockles of my heart. And who doesn't love getting their cockles warmed?  I truly, genuinely, absolutely appreciate all the kind words, thoughts and prayers.

But, and it's a big but... (I'll pause while the Sir Mix A Lot song cycles through your head) I believe there was somewhat of a communications breakdown (you hear the Zeppelin riffs now, don't you?) between my fingers and your eyes.

So, after my last post, I just want to be clear about something...

The baggage that I carry was once an over-filled steamer trunk that I dragged around with me everywhere I went, often leaving bruised shins on the people I encountered along the way.  Now it's more like a wallet.  It fits nicely in my pocket, but occasionally causes me to shift awkwardly in my seat until I find a comfortable spot.

Simply put, it's not so bad even though it still exists.  And, I think it will continue to exist in one form or another, very likely, for the rest of my days.  I'm ok with that, fwiw.  Even if it severely restricts or even eliminates, the chances of meeting "someone".  Because fine though I may be, I'm not convinced I've learned how to incorporate "someone" else into that.  Again, fwiw, if that's how it is, I'm ok with that too, you know?

On top of all that, I'm apparently becoming quite the curmudgeon.  I know, right?  I was shocked too.  But if you ask most of the new guys at work, I think it's pretty much unanimous.  New guys.  Go figure.

Back to the matter at hand, I wanted to get my view on my own state of mind out there, because after reading the comments on my last post, I got the impression many people thought my grief was still crippling me.

It's not.

Don't get me wrong, I miss Diane and Caitlin every. single. day.  I always will, of course.  But I don't feel that their loss defines me.  And I'm pretty sure any confusion on that topic falls on me, or rather on the way I wrote what I wrote.  It's far easier, it seems, to describe the depths of the grief I lived through than it is to describe where I am today.  Further, I don't write what I write (or speak at Victim Impact Panels for that matter) because I crave sympathy.  As I tell the folks at the VIP's I fully recognize how blessed my life has been despite any hardships I may have faced.  I don't feel like I need anyone's sympathy.  I've never spoken to any of the kids about this, but I feel fairly confident in saying that when they post or talk about things associated to Caitlin or Diane, they aren't looking for sympathy either.  Whether it's marking an anniversary date or just a reminder of the consequences of driving drunk, our posts are meant as a PSA (that's Public Service Announcement, not Prostate Specific Antigen btw) to keep other families from having to face what we did.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Even if I use this space as a means to post a favorite picture of one or both of them.  Like this one.

(Pay no attention to the hair on that man, it's premature gray.  And a bad camera angle.  For real.  I swear.  No really.)

Even if I write about the bittersweet way life often presents things to us.  Obviously a very powerful, though brief, moment for our plucky author.  Sharing an incredibly heartwarming moment in my young granddaughter's life, imagining how much Diane and Caitlin would have enjoyed that moment was, in that instant, hard to come to terms with.

But it was a moment I wouldn't trade for the world.

Peace