Loose Ends

I ate the last of the Party Mix yesterday.

Party Mix, for the uninitiated, is the home-made, precursor to Chex Mix™ the pre-packaged amalgam of pretzels, wheat Chex™, corn Chex™, rice Chex™, mixed nuts and Cheerios ™.  

Mom made it, as far back as I can remember.  She had a huge roasting pan, and it took several hours to make as it cooked at a low temperature with, as I recall, a mix of Worchestershire sauce and melted butter.  You had to take it out of the oven every 30 minutes or so and give it a good stir.  I remember how the house smelled (amazing) all day long on the day she made it.  And I can still taste the warm, fresh-from-the-oven flavor.  And for us, it was a harbinger of the holiday season.  Like the swallows to Capistrano marks spring.  To this day, that's still true to me.  

The Oldest One makes it, and she does a pretty faithful rendition, but Mom still (lately, with the help of my Cheesehead sister) made it for all of us. She delivered a big (never big enough) Ziploc bag full of wonderfulness every year at the holidays.  Typically, the bag would be emptied in a day or two. 

This year, I got the goods on Christmas Eve and I got into it that night.  And again Christmas afternoon.

And then Mom had to go and pass away Christmas night...

And the Party Mix sat, in it's Ziploc bag, on top of the refrigerator, piled in with all the other bags of partially eaten snacks.

I had some a couple weeks ago.  Just stood at the counter and grabbed handfuls of it, as I had so many times over the years.  

It was as good as always.

But of course, this year it's different.

This year, I made a semi-conscious effort to make it last a little while.  I say semi-conscious because I don't remember thinking that I needed to do that.  But still, I knew it was the last batch.  Even though, as I said, my sister "helped" her with it.  I mean without asking, I know how bad Mom's eyesight was, and I know my sister must've done pretty much everything associated with making it.  

But still...

It was the last batch.

Even though, as I said, the Oldest One makes it and has for some time now.

But still...

It was the last batch.

Even though, as I said, I was expecting this day to come for some time, I knew it was coming for her as it is for all of us and I was as prepared for it as you can be for a day such as this.

But still...

It was the last batch.

And I polished it off yesterday.  And it was as good as it's ever been.  And I felt it.  The subtle, almost imperceptible step-by-step movement as time passes from an event like this.  

Mom's gone, she's really gone.

I can't pick up the phone and call her.  Although, truth be told, I couldn't have done that anyway, it probably would've shocked her into a dysrhythmia.

But she would've called me and told me

"You know, the phone works both ways"

And I would've come back with some smart alecky comment.  Except... now I can't.

The pirate and I were talking this morning.  I haven't spoken to my brother or sisters since the funeral.  I'm a terrible brother.  I need to go do something about that.

So, I'll be back later.  I've got a couple calls to make.

Because the phone does, in fact, work both ways.