"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"

John Lennon wrote those words over 30 years ago and I've gotten more mileage out of them than, probably, any other person on the planet.

I used them on my kids when they were younger and things didn't go their way. And I certainly used them on myself from 2003 when Caitlin was killed through the time I was learning (am learning?) to live with Diane's death. It really is a profound description of what life is, the apparently random nature of it, anyway.

I thought about it again today, as I was going through my office at home packing things up and throwing things out, for reasons that will appear in a later post. And I've uncovered a ton of grief-related material, most from the time of Caitlin's death.

One item, a book entitled "Dear Parents A Collection of Letters to Bereaved Parents" published by the Centering Corporation, contains, among others, a letter by Candy Lightner. She founded MADD after her 13 year-old daughter Cari was killed by a drunk driver. This led me to a Wikipedia search of Ms. Lightner which, in turn, led me to this video

Please take a few minutes out of your day to watch this video.

And when you're done, send it to your friends, even the ones you don't really care for all that much. And ask them all to take a few minutes to watch it.

And then, next time you're planning to go out and live it up, think about this video.

And take a few more minutes to plan your evening just a little more.

Make arrangements to stay where you party.

Take a cab/limo.

Take public transportation.

Have a designated driver. Heck, BE a designated driver.

Here's the deal... I don't care if you drink yourself stupid every. single. night. Really, I don't. You have that right. What I DO care about is that you don't get behind the wheel of a car after you've been drinking. Because you don't have the right to do that. No-one has the RIGHT to do that. Don't put another family through what my family has been through.

Happy Birthday!

She's supposed to be 26 years old today. She was supposed to be celebrating with her family and friends today. Who knows, maybe she'd even be celebrating with her husband and child(ren) today. There are so many things she SHOULD be doing today, tomorrow and the next day.

But instead, we have a 5k walk.

Instead, we buy balloons and go to the cemetery.

Instead, we try and move with the loss we feel. We acknowledge the pain in private, intimate moments when no-one is around and, occasionally, on public days like the one we'll have this weekend. Days when people gather to honor what she meant to those of us lucky enough to have held her in our hearts, for at least a little while, and when those who never had the chance to meet her gather to show their love and respect for us.

This is my favorite picture of her, though she never really took a bad picture.

She was such a beautiful kid.

Happy Birthday Cait!

This. Sucks.

So how come nobody checked with me?

For the record, I do NOT approve of this.

Less than 48 hours ago, I was in my normal state of idiot-bliss (insert joke......here____) on so many things as per usual. And then, and if you know me you probably shouldn't say anything to anybody on account of it's not official yet, one of my BFF's in my RL, paycheck earning world ever called me and told me he was pensioning out.

Done.

The best partner I ever had.

Gone.

Thank God about 5 minutes into our conversation he got another phone call and had to take it, cause it would have gotten a little emotiony up in there. I had a feeling this was coming, he's been off with an injury for awhile now. But to hear him say those words... holy crap I wasn't ready for that.

And then, yesterday as I'm talking to my other BFF in my RL, paycheck earning world, he says to me, out of the blue -

"So, in September, when I retire..."

WHAT???

EXCUSE ME???

NO.

I'm sorry, that's not allowed. Maybe next September, when I'm eligible to join you , but not this September. I've worked more with these two individuals than anyone else, ever. 8 years with the one and 6 with the other. They have been with me through some of the darkest times of my life, on either side, keeping me vertical when that was the last thing I wanted to be (and that last line is why I HATE doing this at work, cause right now tears are streaming down both cheeks, sorry C) and helping me to retain what little sanity I have left. And they have been with me to help celebrate some of the brightest moments, the frosting on the cake of my life.

And now, as I sit here, I realize that as the people I work with prepare to recognize the guys that retired last year, 12 months from now, we will most likely be preparing to do the same for these two.

That ain't right.

I know they're entitled to this, but how come nobody checked to see if it was ok with me?

Who in the hell is gonna watch my back now? I mean, after all, it IS all about me, right? Right??? This. Blows.

And the funny thing is, the pirate and I have been talking about what we're going to do, what I want to be when I grow up. I know my time is coming, I mean, it's inevitable, but this? This just kind of hit me the wrong way.

Nothing, of course, is finalized yet. Won't be for some time yet. But for here, for now, to the Chick Magnet - you, my good friend are and always will be, the best, most fun, most aggravating, most challenging, most entertaining partner anyone in our chosen profession could ever hope to have.
And Lou - Should you, in fact, decide that September is it for you, you are the best boss I could ever hope for. You let me be me and still helped to make the me that I was (am) blend into someone that I'm pleased with. And that's NOT easy.

And I'm so glad neither of you will ever read this, lol, cause the three of us would just... well... you know...

It's 2:16, what did you get me?

Today, the Blond Child's Mother is supposed to be 53. Of course, if she were still here, I wouldn't have put it quite that way, lol. I suppose she'll let it slip this time, but I'll probably try to word it a little more tactfully next time. I took flowers and balloons down to the cemetery today, it just felt like the thing to do. And then, after that, I went shopping in her honor. Bought myself a new sweatshirt and a pair of sandals. Bought some squeaky tennis balls for the dogs today too.

She would have approved.

It's well documented that she and both of her girls could work their way around the mall. I guess I must have learned a thing or two from them. How could I not?

I had a couple people check up on me today, I told them I was fine. I am too. Really. Last year I think was more difficult than this year, probably because it was my first with the pirate. This year, I was more prepared for it. That makes a difference, I believe. If you can anticipate an event, you can kind of not be surprised by it or by the rush of feelings you may feel. The firsts are, of course, always difficult. But the seconds can be too and I learned that from some more experienced grievers before I got caught off-guard by them and so I was OK. Last year was a "first" for me. Even though it was the 4th birthday since she died, it was the first since the pirate and I had been together and I wasn't as aware of that as I should have been.

This year, I've been looking at today for a couple weeks or so. As a result, today has been a pretty smooth day for me. I checked on the middle child to see how she was doing. The pirate is at sea, so we've spoken today, texted back and forth a few times, but she's not expecting to be home til late tonight, so...

Anyway. I've been reminded about the time we took the oldest grandchild to Disney On Ice (Thanks for making me smile today C!) and how much fun we had. It was, I think 2005 at the United Center and we had sweet seats about four or five rows off the ice. He had a smile from ear-to-ear and so did his Nana. Me too. I've still got his picture on the fridge. The cheesy (no pun intended) picture frame (get it? Disney?? Mouse??? Cheesy????) fell apart a year or so ago, but the picture is still there. Him with a couple of the most famous mice America has ever produced.

So, all things considered, today has been a pretty good day. Weather was beautiful, especially for February in Northern Illinois, went to the cemetery, stopped in at the old hometown for a little business, a little shopping and hung out with the dogs.

Not a bad day at all.

Oh yeah, about the title... The BCM would invariably look at a digital clock at 2:16 and say

"Hey! It's my birthday! What did you get me?" And then flash one of her smiles.

Every so often, at 2:16, I'll get a text from the middle child that reads "Hey, It's my birthday..." and I always smile at the memory.

Goosebumps

Yikes.

It's been way longer than I'd hoped between musings here. I'm going to try and fire this thing up to see if it still works...

There's been some debate in Chicago sporting circles over who should sing the National Anthem at this weeks Bears game. I have to admit, after hearing Jim Cornelison's version last Sunday, I thought "why would ANYONE want some 'American Idol hack' (no offense intended to Lee DeWyze) to sing it?" And then, on another blog, I listened to this and thought, well, I thought he did a really nice job. It's a VERY difficult song to sing after all (I promise, no Roseanne Barr versions up in here) and he did a very nice job in front of a big crowd and on a nationally televised game. Of course there's many other famous versions too. This one comes to mind...

And all of this "controversy" got me thinking about various versions I've heard over the years. I must admit, I don't remember ever hearing it at a high school event I played in. I don't know why, I just don't. What I do remember is, watching my son, when he played high school football, rocking back and forth during the Anthem. I don't know if he was aware of what he was doing, but my neighbor and I both noticed it and commented on it.

I've been to Chicago Blackhawks games, I've heard the roar that accompanies Cornelison's version before. And I've heard the debate over whether it's disrespectful or not. Personally, I can see both sides of the debate, but tend to think it's not a show of disrespect. Anyway, as I was saying, the roar that comes up during the Hawks pre-game singing is loud. VERY loud. But, it's not the loudest I've ever heard. I'm pretty sure this is the loudest version I've ever heard. I only wish I had been there in person. Holy. Crap. It was during the Gulf War, and it was the most emotional version I've ever heard. It still gives me goosebumps. Wayne Messmer is the shit. As good as Corny or DeWyze may be, Wayne is the man.

But the thing is, MOST versions of our National Anthem give me goosebumps. At least the non-Roseanneish versions. And the really good ones, like those above, cause a tear to well up in my eyes. My Dad was a World War II vet. My son is an OIF vet, as was my son-in-law. I understand the sacrifice so many have made. And they made it with no thought to personal gain. And, often times, they made it with no thought to personal safety. And they made it with no guarantees of anything, implied or otherwise.

We often find things to bitch about, both as a nation and as either individuals or small groups united by a common cause. We should remember, more often than we do, the sacrifices these men and women have made and realize just how good we have things here in this country. And maybe, instead of bitching, we should go and do something to make our city, our state, our country and our world a better place.

I saw this article online the other day, and it took my breath away. I mean, I deal with homeless people somewhat regularly in the course of my job and I often get aggravated at them and the "problems" they cause.

But this?

I don't care who you are or what you've done in life, no-one should ever have to die homeless, alone, in a dumpster. A frickin' dumpster. I need to seek out my local PADS and volunteer a little time. I need some soul cleansing or something. I feel the need to do something, anything, to try and make a difference. Cause that's just wrong.

Excuse me while I climb down off my soapbox. OK, now that I've rambled ALL over the place, I need to get here more often. Maybe that'll keep me on track a little better. Peace everyone.